Most of the quotes that follow are original. The rest were found here and there, and credit for them is given if known. New entries are added periodically at the end of the list.
"Just because you believe something doesn't make it true."
"It takes a long time to become really good at something."
"You can accomplish nearly anything - often it just takes one phone call to the right person."
"As much as we may love them, animals have no sense of esthetics - a dog will drink from the toilet, and a cat will bite the head off a mouse and eat it."
"A leader has the clarity of thought to understand what matters and what doesn't, plus the self-confidence to express his or her convictions."
"The pursuit of knowledge and scientific understanding is consistent with the innate human goal of self-preservation."
"Often we fault in others what we see in ourselves."
"These days many movies are rated as containing Graphic Violence and Brief Nudity - I much prefer Brief Violence and Graphic Nudity!"
"Do you think the people who establish speed limits for local and state roads actually drive that slowly themselves?"
"Reasonable people adapt to the world. Unreasonable people persist in trying to adapt the world to themselves. Therefore, all progress depends on unreasonable people." --George Bernard Shaw
"One moron can ask more questions than ten wise men can answer." --From a tag line on CompuServe
"He's a timid man who tries to look tough - a sheep in wolf's clothing."
"We all want to get laid, but nobody wants to get screwed."
"It is always easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission." --Adm. Grace Hopper
Ethan's corollary to the above: "It takes only two seconds to say 'Please excuse the mess' versus half an hour or more to actually clean and vacuum."
"I fully respect your right to disagree with me, so long as you understand that I'm right and you're wrong."
"Knowing a lot of facts is not the same as being smart."
"For every opinion on a given issue there will always be proponents for the opposite viewpoint - no matter how preposterous."
"Criticizing others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves." --From a letter to our local newspaper
"Microsoft is a praying mantis: It eats its partners while it's having sex with them." --Nicholas Petreley
"Hitting is learned behavior."
"People opposed to drinking are often former alcoholics, but most people who are against legalizing marijuana have never tried it."
"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money." --George Carlin
"If AIDS is god's way of punishing homosexuals, then by the same logic E. Coli must be god's way of punishing people who eat meat."
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." --Stephen Roberts
"It's not so much that people are stupid, but many don't take the time to think things through." --Lionel, talk show host on WABC Talk Radio
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization." --Unknown
"Good composers borrow, great composers steal." --Igor Stravinsky
"Spirituality is simply a human emotion. And like all emotions it is entirely within one's own mind."
"God is Santa Claus for adults."
"Common etiquette says not to talk about politics, sex, religion, or money. But these are the most interesting things to discuss!"
"Cleanliness is next to impossible." --Anon
"Faith is a poor substitute for logic and reason."
"Beauty fades, dumb is forever." --Judge Judy
"Trying is the first step toward failure." --Homer Simpson
"If 'The Devil made me do it' is not a valid defense in a court of law, then insurance companies shouldn't be able to weasel out of claims for damage caused by an 'Act of God'."
"Behaving well out of a fear of god is far less noble than behaving well because you understand that it's the right thing to do."
"Just because something is legal doesn't mean it's good, and just because something is illegal doesn't mean it's bad."
"Good luck is the result of good planning." --from a fortune cookie
"Never judge a book by its movie." --J.W. Eagan
"If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing." --Anatole France (1844-1924)
"It's a fine line between frugal and being a cheap bastard."
"A gun is no longer 'The great equalizer.' Today it's the Internet and newsgroups, where anyone can be taken seriously based only on what they say and without prejudice for their physical appearance."
"War is good business; invest your son." --Ron Kuby on WABC Talk Radio
"The only thing worse than being incompetent is not knowing you are."
"I didn't think it was possible, but this both sucks and blows." --Bart Simpson, watching a school faculty talent show
"I'm old enough to know better, but I'm still too young to care." --Country song by Wade Hayes
"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." --Blaise Pascal
Speaking of Pascal, who was brilliant for sure, his famous Pascal's Wager is nicely rebutted by this amusing cartoon:
"The most important ingredient for success is being able to communicate."
"The ugly truth is always better than the best-dressed lie." --Ann Landers
"If hunters 'own' the wild animals and presume the right to shoot them, why don't people opposed to hunting have an equal right to say No?"
"If you think your teenagers are fully honest with you, just think back to when you were a teenager."
"It pains me when someone murders his wife and kids, and then kills himself. Hey, do us all a favor and shoot yourself first."
"When you go to a restaurant they ask, 'Smoking or non-smoking?' The question should be, 'Kids or no kids?'"
"A faith that cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many regrets." --Arthur C. Clarke
"When morality comes up against profit, it is seldom that profit loses." --Shirley Chisolm
"The true appeal of guns is the power they give to those who feel powerless."
"The so-called patriot groups are behind some of the most evil and unpatriotic acts."
"I used to be angry at astrologers, psychics, and promoters of alternative medicine for their shameless pandering to people's weakness. These days I'm more angry at the fools who fall for that nonsense."
"Personally, I prefer a politician who is curious enough to have smoked pot and tried cocaine or LSD. It is a small mind indeed that's afraid to try something new or unknown."
"Whenever someone tells me how wonderful it must have been to live in an earlier age, all I can think of is no aspirin, no toilet paper, and no air conditioning."
"Citing tradition as the only reason for continuing a useless practice is surely a lame excuse."
"It's amazing how the Jews, Christians, and Muslims have so much heritage in common, yet it seems they're always killing each other." --Doug Ferrara
"If you want to know someone's true personality, just watch them drive."
"There's nothing wrong with most public schools. It's up to parents to make sure their kids study and get good grades."
"A lot of conservatives complain that Bill Clinton got elected with less than half the popular vote. But their guy GW got even fewer votes!"
"When you talk to God it's called prayer; when God talks to you it's called schizophrenia." --A line from The Outer Limits TV show
Rob Carlson on rock bands: "If you can't be good, be loud."
"It's a far far better thing to have and not need than to need and not have." --Rob Carlson
"Man made booze. God made marijuana. Who do you trust?" --Unknown
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children." --Clarence Darrow
"Congress has not managed to implement campaign finance reform, keep guns out of the classroom, stop the cable TV companies from raping consumers, or prevent big industry from polluting our air and water, yet it has plenty of time to propose putting the Ten Commandments in schools and other public buildings."
"I don't know the secret of success, but the secret of failure is to try to please everybody." --Bill Cosby
"When two friends fight nobody wins." --Edith Bunker on All in the Family
"Alternative Health proponents want it both ways: First they say your regular doctor doesn't know as much as they do and conventional medicine is a failure. Then they claim their products are 'clinically tested' and 'scientifically proven' to work."
"The great thing about opinions is you don't have to back them up with facts."
"We often hear that a labor union is demanding more money. But they never say how much they earn now, so how can we know whose side to take?"
"I have always believed that it is a coward's pursuit to go into the woods to shoot an animal. It is not a sport if the victim is unable to return fire." --Frank Eldridge
"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people." --Eleanor Roosevelt
"Simple minds are satisfied by simplistic explanations."
"As a cynic I generally expect the worst. I'm rarely disappointed."
"Did you ever wonder why they call something so divisive a 'Union'?" --Lois Mastrangelo
"If the government was really serious about preventing people from drinking and then driving, they wouldn't allow bars to have parking lots." --From a letter to our local paper
"Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope." --the Furry Freak Brothers
"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument." --William G. McAdoo, American government official (1863-1941)
"Why is it that as soon as politicians get elected they believe our money belongs to them?"
"If an animal mauls a kid, chances are the animal will be destroyed. It's really too bad the same law doesn't apply to a kid that tortures an animal." --From a letter to our local paper
"The most difficult and unpleasant jobs always seem to pay the least salary."
"Fathering five children does not show the world how macho you are. A dog can do that. If you want to be a real man, try adopting some kids with special needs."
"Every day, self-proclaimed stock market 'experts' tell us why the market just went up or down, as if they really knew. So where were they yesterday?"
"All great truths begin as blasphemies." --George Bernard Shaw
"A censor is someone who views pornography all day, but does not get corrupted even though he is certain you would."
"If you think seatbelts are confining, you should try a wheelchair." --Dr. Henry Betts, former head of the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago
"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away." --Tom Waits
"Censorship is the height of vanity." --Martha Graham
"The greatest tragedy may be the hijacking of morality by religion. However valuable that may have been to enforce good behavior on primitive peoples, the association is now counter-productive. Yet at the very moment when they should be decoupled, sanctimonious nitwits are calling for a return to morals based on superstition." --Arthur C. Clarke
"How can you make two months' salary last forever? Easy. Invest it wisely, instead of buying useless trinkets with no inherent value."
"Luck is when opportunity meets preparation." --Eric Beheim
"Were there none who were discontented with what they have, the world would never reach anything better." --Florence Nightingale
"An educated man should know everything about something, and something about everything." --Dame C.V. Wedgwood, English historian (1910-1997)
"Small minds are concerned more with the symbols of patriotism than with the underlying principles of freedom and democracy."
"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one." --George Bernard Shaw
My corollary to the above: "I'm very happy without religion. I'm happy that I'm not delusional. I'm happy that I have the good sense and knowledge to understand how the world really works rather than believe some nonsense fairy tale. I'm happy to know that science helps humanity more than magical thinking. And I'm especially happy to know that what I do on earth in my lifetime is all that matters."
"If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all." --Noam Chomsky
"A bunny rabbit is basically a big rat. So why is one adorable and the other reviled?"
"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." --Salvor Hardin (character in the book Foundation by Isaac Asimov)
"Many magazine publishers wrongly believe they have to cater to their advertisers since the advertisers pay the bills. But in fact it is the readers who deserve the magazine's loyalty, because without them there would be no ads or revenue!"
"There is no doubt that the level of US violence has risen over the past forty years. I blame this directly on the religious right. As television and movie producers began pushing the envelope to make their shows more exciting, the religious right fought for censorship to prevent sex from being shown - so the producers instead made their shows more violent. And that has desensitized society thus making violence more acceptable."
"If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?" --Jimmy Carr, comedian
"No listener gives a damn what microphone preamp you used." --Craig Anderton
"I play in several amateur orchestras, and have noticed that the players who miss the most rehearsals are the very ones who can least afford to be absent!"
"A good scientist can explain how something works using plain language, without needing math and formulas."
"The biggest problem with education today is that students are taught what to think, but not how to think."
"Without ego, greatness is impossible."
"Nothing in this world is more precious than a kitten - but just try to give one away!"
"No amount of classical music training will ever teach you what's so cool about 'Tighten Up' by Archie Bell And The Drells" --Unknown
"When stores and big business raise prices they claim they're just keeping up with the cost of living. In fact, they are driving up the cost of living."
"Skeptics question, cynics assume."
"The later I am, the slower I drive - I'd rather be five minutes late than lose twenty minutes while getting a traffic ticket!"
"Little boys should never be forced to wear a necktie. In fact, nobody should ever have to wear a tie."
"Shop-at-home TV channels serve well as a national IQ test."
"The most obvious thing that proves average, fallible people wrote the texts of the bible, is that the book describes god's feelings, opinions, and preferences. He's mad ... He's pleased. Give me a break. If my creator deals with his/her problems LIKE I DO, then I need to find someone a little higher up." --Posted by 'bvdd' on the MusicPlayer web forum
"Hunting is the worst type of bullying."
"When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." --Jonathan Swift
"The dividing line between Liberals and Conservatives is at 100 IQ points."
"The great thing about standards is there are so many to choose from." --Unknown
"Empirical evidence trumps theory every time."
"Just because something costs a lot doesn't mean it's really worth that much."
"Success in any endeavor requires one simple formula: First define precisely what you want to do, then devise efficient logical steps to get there."
"You don't have to be a bastard to be successful in business."
"When you can measure what you are speaking about, and express it in numbers, you know something about it. But when you cannot ... your knowledge is ... meager and unsatisfactory." --Lord Kelvin, 19th century physicist
"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." --Mahatma Gandhi
"If what you really need is outside your budget, stretch the budget. Otherwise you're wasting all your money." --Laurence Payne
"Anyone who uses a leaf blower or chain saw should by law be required to pay every neighbor within 1/4 mile $5 per hour."
"You can fool too many of the people too much of the time." --James Thurber
"If I had $100 million I would spend it all on radio and TV ads to influence public opinion on social issues."
"The French word for 'warning' is avertissement. Coincidence? I think not!"
"Email spammers are assholes. Phone spammers too."
"Every time I have accepted financial advice from a 'professional' I lost a lot of money."
"Liberals and conservatives argue endlessly whether this program or that should be run by the government or by private business. Either can work! What really matters is how efficiently it's done, and if there's accountability for the results."
"US law requires radio and TV ads for legitimate medicine to include endless disclaimers and warnings, while ads for 'alternative medicine' products have no such requirement and can claim whatever they want. Thanks to Ronald Reagan for this disgraceful travesty."
"A scientist seeks the truth, wherever that may lead. A believer already knows the truth, and cannot be swayed no matter how compelling the evidence."
"Everyone understands and accepts that the placebo effect is real, but for some reason audiophiles think it never happens to them."
"Any good orchestra can play a concert without a conductor, but name one conductor that can play a concert without the orchestra!"
"The more expensive the vehicle, the less likely the driver is courteous and uses his turn signals."
"Anonymity seems to bring out the worst in people."
"You can't have a democracy without an informed people." --White House reporter Helen Thomas
"Some people fear government intrusion into their privacy, but overlook that their garbage collector knows exactly how much booze they drink and their postal carrier knows every porn magazine they subscribe to."
"But I had so much more to do." --The last words of an intelligent person
"As soon as someone says, 'With all due respect' you can be sure they're about to say something disrespectful or insulting."
"It's always distressing when minorities make racist comments. As targets themselves, you'd think they of all people would know better."
"I hate fake boobs. I'd rather see and touch real A-cups than larger fake ones."
"When juveniles are arrested for hate crimes, the main story newspapers should print is about the parents."
"You want an inconvenient truth? Try this one: Human beings are clearly evolved for sex lives featuring multiple simultaneous sexual relationships." --Christopher Ryan
"If the origins of the inverse are ever learned, it will be discovered by scientists rather than theologians. Science is still searching, where religion foolishly believes it already knows and has no interest in further knowledge."
"It is fatal to be right when the rest of the world is wrong." --Brother Theodore
"Many stores advertise they will match any price. But why should they be rewarded with our business when someone else had the courage to set their prices lower in the first place?"
"The national telephone Do Not Call list was a great idea. But it has no teeth. And the phone spammers can block their Caller ID. Worse, politicians exempted themselves from the law, making it legal for them to spam us by telephone!"
"I'm always amused by those 'Drugs don't work' bumper stickers. In fact, Drugs do work."
"If your car is so precious that you must straddle two parking spaces to avoid scratches, please park at the far end of the lot."
"A lot of mattress shops offer a 30-day money-back guarantee. But what happens to the returns, and can I be sure not to get one of those?"
"The use of audiophile terms like 'airy,' 'transparent,' 'rhythm and pace,' 'blacker backgrounds,' etc, instead of doing any real measurements, paints the high end as being fraudulent, lazy and corrupt." --DavidL
"People tend to disbelieve and dismiss what they don't understand." (See the Dunning-Kruger Effect.)
"The current US financial crisis could be solved with three simple changes: 1) Legalize all recreational drugs, prostitution, and gambling, saving billions of dollars prosecuting and incarcerating harmless citizens, and earning billions more in new taxes; 2) Revoke the tax-exempt status of churches, which are no different than any other social club; 3) Withdraw soldiers and expensive 'contractors' from all foreign conflicts, reducing military spending to only what's needed for our own self-defense."
"Ignorant people rely on insults instead of facts."
"The amount of suffering in the world is unfathomable to me. The despair of millions of innocent people in jail, and animals in cages. Hundreds of millions of poor people and animals suffering broken bones and painful diseases right now, with no chance of treatment. Millions of children beaten daily by their parents, and millions of women beaten daily by their husbands or boyfriends. Mass starvation somewhere in the world every day. Women whipped mercilessly or stoned for disobeying rules made up by men. Teenage girls having their genitals sliced off in the name of 'religion' (how ironic). Millions of animals burned alive in forest fires, or agonizing for days in leg-hold traps. It goes on and on. How can anyone possibly believe this is the intentional grand plan of some benevolent deity?"
"If you never want your own soldier son to be tortured, you must oppose torturing the soldier sons of your enemies."
"Support our troops - by bringing them home!"
"If I were in charge, all perishable products would state a use-by date instead of sell-by, and food in sealed containers would have to say how long it's good for after it's been opened."
"If you vote for a politician who claims to have simple answers to complex issues, you're both fools."
"I much prefer a politician who 'flip-flops' to someone whose opinions don't change even when shown contradictory evidence."
"It amazes me when people vote against their own interests, because they're swayed by pandering politicians who claim to oppose abortion and gay marriage, and say they believe in god. Some voters would rather see their own middle-class retirement and medical entitlements slashed, and have their taxes fund foreign wars, just so millionaires and big corporations can get tax breaks."
Too much to list here. See A Brief History of Conservatism on its own page.
"Loving and touching are universal. Not just for humans and dogs and cats, but even some birds like to be petted and held."
"Every single 'health' product that includes the disclaimer 'These statements not evaluated by the FDA' is a scam that relies entirely on placebo effect. If these products really worked, sellers would surely want FDA endorsement of their claims."
"When you have a problem with a product or service and the vendor's response is not satisfying, they are either incompetent or dishonest - take your pick."
"All soaps are made from simple detergents. The perceived value and price of shampoo and 'personal cleaner' products are related more to the quality of the added perfume than anything else."
"I'd rather be proven wrong and suffer brief embarrassment, than continue to hold an incorrect belief forever."
"If you like to drink while making dinner, cut up your veggies and anything else that requires a large sharp knife before you pour the first one!"
"The best, smartest, most generous, most intelligent people in history, were also the most persecuted, most insulted with the most hatred, most misunderstood, most misjudged, most misinterpreted, most misconsiderated, most disrespected, and most often banned!" --Posted by NorthStar at the What's Best audio forum
"A lot of people criticize the US Post Office as inefficient and overpriced. My experience over the past many years has been exactly the opposite. I think they do a great job! I wouldn't drive across town for the price of a stamp, let alone 3,000 miles across the country!"
"I think politicians should be required by law to write their own speeches, especially campaign speeches. Otherwise they're just voice actors, and we can't judge the clarity of their thinking. Further, we should be entitled to know the IQ of everyone running for public office. I understand that some people prefer politicians who aren't 'intellectuals,' and that's their right. So they can vote for dummies like themselves if they prefer. But the intelligence of our politicians is important information that all voters are entitled to know."
"Believers always praise god when things go well for them, but they never blame god when something bad happens."
"You can't reason with unreasonable people."
"I'm skeptical of doctors who wear a Jesus cross. I'd rather they have faith in their medical training."
"The most important specification for any product is its price."
"That which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence." --Christopher Hitchens
"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence." --Carl Sagan
"George Bush says he speaks to god every day, and Christians love him for it. If George Bush said he spoke to god through his hair dryer, they would think he was mad. I fail to see how the addition of a hair dryer makes it any more absurd." --Sam Harris
"You can assess the IQ of a radio or TV show's audience by the products that are advertised."
"I'm convinced that the world's biggest problem is magical thinking. Once you believe you have a chance to win big in the lottery, or that an invisible man in the sky decides which team wins a football game, or that vaccinating your children is a bad idea, you'll accept virtually anything as plausible."
"After the latest round of mass shootings, and the ensuing discussions about tightening gun control laws, people are tiptoeing around the rights of 'hunters' as if hunting is an acceptable use of guns. If someone were caught driving around shooting at dogs and cats, they'd rightly be vilified and sent to jail. So why is killing okay if you substitute deer for dogs and ducks for cats? Any feeling person who cares about the pain and suffering of others should oppose all hunting on moral grounds, except perhaps in those rare cases where a hunter really needs to hunt in order to survive."
"Please give your new baby girl a girl's name! When you name a girl Johnna, Dannica, Roberta, Alexandra, or Sammie, you're revealing that you really wanted a boy. How do you think that will make your girl feel when she grows up?"
"Organ donation saves lives. If your religion forbids being an organ donor, you need a new religion."
"High-end audio strives for the highest fidelity no matter the cost. High-priced audio costs a lot whether it's better or not, or even if it's worse."
"Recording engineers and audiophiles spend far too much time worshipping gear, while paying too little attention to technique and basic audio science."
"If you kick someone's ass in a boxing ring or on a football field you're a hero. If you kick someone's ass in an audio forum by setting them straight with facts, you're a know-it-all and a bully."
"Hi-fi is the only hobby where willful ignorance is seen as a virtue. With hobbies like RC aircraft, amateur radio, photography, and astronomy, people learn to build and fix things, and strive to learn as much as they can. Only among audiophiles do we see practitioners embrace magical thinking while rejecting of science and logic."
"There are two types of audiophile snake oil vendors: Those who actually believe their own nonsense with the same breathless gullibility as their customers, and those who know they're running a scam. I actually have more respect for the latter!"
"We had an interesting incident near Humboldt State University. A new cell tower went up and the local newspaper asked a number of people what they thought of it. Some said they noticed their cell phone reception was better. Some said they noticed the tower was affecting their health. Think about how much more pronounced these effects will be once the tower is actually operational. The ability of the human brain to convince itself of just about anything is not to be underestimated." --Brian Dunning
"Some people believe in fate, and think 'everything happens for a reason.' But they still look both ways when crossing the street!"
"Why does the US give tax breaks for being married, and even more deductions for having children? We already have enough people! There's no need to encourage reproduction, and we can't sustain continued growth forever. If anything, people should pay more in taxes for each child they create." (More on this topic HERE.)
"Many 'middlemen' are leeches that do nothing to earn their commission. Alternate energy companies are a good example. They don't generate electricity or repair fallen power lines, they just take a share of the profits from companies that do. Another example is stores that never have what you need in stock, but they'll order it for you. Of course, some middlemen are justified. An insurance agent that represents several insurers and finds you the best rate deserves their commission. Same for stores that offer a large variety and keep most products in stock, especially if they also can answer your questions knowledgeably."
"On my oxymorons page I include Rap Music, mostly as a joke. But it's easy to prove the point. Music is defined as containing melody, harmony, and rhythm. So rhymed speech might be entertainment, and you could even call it art, but it's surely not music."
"It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled." --Mark Twain
"You're neither right nor wrong because people agree with you. You're right because your facts and your reasoning are right." --Warren Buffet
"The notion that faith in Christ is to be rewarded by an eternity of bliss, while a dependence upon reason, observation, and experience merits everlasting pain, is too absurd for refutation, and can be believed only by that unhappy mixture of insanity and ignorance, called faith." --Robert G. Ingersoll
"As I see it there are two types of wars: where one side is rational and the other is irrational, and where both sides are irrational."
"An amateur musician practices a difficult passage until he plays it perfectly once. A professional practices until he plays it perfectly every time." --Anon
"There's no reason to ever lose your computer data. I have four backup hard drives plus a 256 GB thumb drive I keep in my pocket. I back them up in rotation, one today, another tomorrow, and so forth. Two more drives are kept at the homes of different friends. Even if my house burns down I'll never lose everything. I use SyncBackSE which makes backing up so easy you'll do it daily. (Note this is not an ad, I own this program and recommend it to everyone who uses a PC.)"
"Traditional burial is a waste of real estate, wood, and especially money. My living will gives to science whatever parts of my body are still useful, and they can discard the rest. If you want to be remembered after death, do something notable while you're still alive!"
"Prayer: pretending to help without actually doing anything useful." --Unknown
"We all want the same things: An end to wars and famine, fairness and justice for all, prosperity, happiness and good health, and so forth. One difference between liberals and conservatives is deciding how to achieve these goals. I believe the correct approach is found via logic and evidence rather than through fear, faith, and intuition."
"It seems to me that praying to god for this or that is the height of arrogance. In effect, you're telling god he doesn't know his own business, and he should listen to your advice."
"Don't believe everything you think." --Seen on a bumper sticker
"Telling a child, 'Because I said so' is a lame excuse for an answer, no matter what they asked."
"Prison is for rapists, thieves, and murderers. If you lock someone up for smoking a plant that makes them happy, then you're the fucking criminal." --Joe Rogan
Not for city dwellers: "You can save up to two thousand gallons of water per year by peeing outside in the yard."
To TV Stations: "If you don't have the courage to show a movie or TV show without bleeping out the swear words, then you have no business showing it at all."
"Every argument for the existence of God has been found wanting; and since believers have been forced to rely on faith rather than evidence, they have made a virtue of faith." --Harriet Hall, M.D.
"Everyone should be both a teacher and a student."
"If you believe in god, and think it's beyond human ability to understand god's intent, then you have to accept that virtually everything that happens is god's will, and therefore must be celebrated. Your grandmother just died a long and painful death from cancer? Celebrate that god's will was fulfilled. Your dog got run over by a car and died on the way to the vet? Celebrate that too because it's what god wanted, and surely he had a reason that you must not question. Further, if god wants you to die, but you go to a doctor and get cured, then you defied god's will. Obviously god wants African babies to die of AIDS or starve first, so human intervention is defying god's will and therefore should be punished. If you believe 'everything happens for a reason' and 'it's all part of god's plan,' then literally everything people do to help during a catastrophe is defying god. If a hurricane levels a trailer park severely injuring 30 people, then you must rejoice that god's will was carried out rather than help the injured. God wants them to be homeless, and to have broken bones, and you have no right to challenge god's will by bringing them to a hospital or helping to rebuild their homes."
"When watching people argue on a political TV show, or in a web forum, you can tell someone is full of crap when all they have are insults."
"Anger is the common substitute for logic among those who have no evidence for what they desperately want to believe." --Isaac Asimov
"A real patriot wants what's best for his country and its people, even when that goes against his own interests."
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." --Susan B. Anthony
"Anyone who believes in 'intelligent design' has never dealt with an enlarged prostate."
"Compassion is the basis of morality." --Arthur Schopenhauer
"They laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at them because they're all the same." --Unknown
"Everyone thinks their dog or cat is the best in the world. And they're all correct!"
"Choosing not to vote isn't rebellion, it's surrender." --Unknown
"I don't mind paying taxes. What I object to is how they spend my money."
"Religious conservatives oppose abortion. But they also oppose birth control and sex education, even though both reduce the number of abortions. Apparently what religious conservatives really oppose is sex for pleasure. How sad for them."
Related: "If you oppose abortion, then you should be in favor of birth control. But if you oppose both, you're just an asshole who wants to tell others how to live their lives."
"The plural of anecdote is not data." --Unknown
"I wish more people were proud of their character and accomplishments, rather than their heritage which is merely an accident of birth."
"It's not hard to explain Democratic socialism: Do you like having a police and fire department? Clean water? Electricity? The internet? Then you are probably a Democratic socialist." --Trevor Vargas
"We'll never get rid of drug abuse as long as so many people are unhappy."
"Nobody knows everything, so we all rely on 'experts' to explain complex things we don't understand fully. Some examples are the banking system, climate change, what causes continued unrest in the mideast, or even whether spanking children is harmful. So when picking an expert we can only go by their opinions about things we do understand. I assess people by whether they believe in the supernatural: If you think god creates tornadoes because he's mad about gay marriage, I'll never accept what you say about anything else."
"I'm convinced that the more loudly someone condemns homosexuals, the more likely it is they're a closeted homosexual in denial."
"It's common knowledge that many mass murderers and psychos tortured animals when they were children, so how is that different than adult hunters?"
"Pretty much every item sold in stores like The Vitamin Shoppe and GNC are at best useless, and at worst deadly. It's appalling, and we can thank Ronald Reagan for signing the law that allows this."
"Bomb scares are always false alarm pranks that can be safely ignored. If someone really wanted to blow up a school and kill people, they wouldn't telephone or email a warning ahead of time!"
"The difference between a miracle and a fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal." --Mark Twain
"Anyone who thinks that air is free has never bought a bag of potato chips." --Ed Watters
"Thanking God for sparing you in a natural disaster is like sending a thank-you note to a serial killer for stabbing the family next door." --Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian
"If the only way you can accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can't be taken on its own merits." --Dan Barker
Q: If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared today, what would
be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?
A: I possess a device, in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at picture of cats and get in arguments with strangers. --Internet meme, author unknown
"The first step toward becoming a better person is to recognize your own flaws."
"If your restaurant menu tells customers 'not responsible for steaks ordered well done' you insult your customers who prefer their meat that way, and also admit your chefs are incompetent."
This is a serious question for conservatives: If you know your baby will be born gay, would you have an abortion?
"If you're going to the doctor for a physical, for everyone's sake please take a shower first!"
"Repressive and violent dictators could not stay in power if the citizens - those in the army, for example - didn't allow it."
"Interspecies love is a wonderful thing!"
"There's a famous expression: 'A liberal is a conservative who hasn't been mugged yet.' I dispute this. Conservatives are notorious for lacking empathy, and being unable to see things from the perspective of others. Here are some examples of conservatives becoming more liberal only after something bad happened to them: Former first lady Nancy Reagan opposed stem cell research until Ronald Reagan got Alzheimers. Conservative senator Rob Portman from Ohio opposed gay rights until his own son came out as gay. And for the perfect refutation of 'until mugged,' Arizona Representative Gabby Giffords supported gun rights, but after being shot in head in a failed assassination attempt she formed a political action committee to promote gun control."
"The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated." --Mahatma Gandhi
"If guns were outlawed, then only outlaws would accidentally shoot their kids." --Seen on a bumper sticker
"I'm not opposed to education, but it isn't needed to be successful. I've written three books and 130+ published articles, and I have no idea what a dangling participle is (or a firmly rooted participle for that matter). I can't even diagram a sentence."
"If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." --Anne Lamott
"I don't understand why people want to be buried instead of cremated. Burial is much more expensive and serves no purpose. Why would someone even care? They're dead!"
"I wish he hadn't done it. I have to explain to people it was a joke. I'm an atheist." --Peter Higgs, on the scientist who nicknamed the Higgs boson the "God particle," in The Guardian (UK)
"You can tell how smart someone is by what they think is funny. Or you can at least tell how immature they are!"
"Every year 620,000 people are arrested in the US for possessing marijuana. How much money do all those arrests cost the taxpayers? Don't forget to include the police, the trial judges, the courtrooms that require heat and electricity, the jails, and of course all the lost productivity. No wonder we don't have any money left for education and to fix crumbling bridges."
"We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology." --Carl Sagan
"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." --Abraham Lincoln
"When I used to dance at topless bars, one of the other dancers got 'sleeve' tattoos covering both entire arms. When she returned to dancing a few weeks later, you could see in her face and body language how unhappy she was with her decision." --(A friend of mine who prefers to remain anonymous)
"Fox News is the television equivalent of The National Enquirer print magazine."
"Conservatives complain that common sense has given way to political correctness, with people afraid to speak the truth for fear of offending others. I agree! Here's one undeniable truth conservatives should consider: Half the population has an IQ below 100. In my opinion these are the people most likely to believe they have a personal relationship with Jesus, and who deny evolution, and who think Donald Trump is qualified to be president of the United States. There's a reason California is liberal: The brightest and most creative people in the world are in Hollywood, Silicon Valley, and San Francisco. Same for the northeast with its Ivy League colleges and high tech corporations. If you think all these college-educated liberal intellectuals are wrong, and you're smarter than they are, then you're the one with an IQ below 100."
"Never argue with a scientist because they have facts on their side. Then again, never argue with a believer because facts don't matter to them."
"There's no such thing as a bad orgasm." --Woody Allen
"Anyone who thinks 'The customer is always right' never worked in tech support." --Seen on a T-shirt
Q: What do you call religion if you remove all the magical
A: Secular Humanism.
"Those who do not study history are forced to get it from Hollywood." --Alan Berra
"'Aftershave lotion' is really just perfume for men."
"Only a conservative could believe that the solution to the gun problem is yet more guns."
"If you believe that "ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC, and CBC and BBC and all the other major foreign news outlets are lying, and only Fox News tells the truth, there is something very wrong with your thinking."
"Most people pay taxes willingly because they understand that the money is used for the greater good of all. The real problem with taxes is when they use my money for things I strongly disapprove of such as war, subsidies to religious education, tax breaks for people who don't need them, and so forth."
"There's no such thing as a miracle, and the word should be banished from the dictionary. If you survived a heart attack, then please credit the doctors and nurses in the operating room. If your house burned to the ground and you got out alive, then thank the fire fighters who rescued you. And if you survived a car crash, then thank your own good sense to wear a seat belt as well as the politicians who made seat belt use mandatory."
"If you're stupid enough to spend $2,700 for a Louie Vuitton handbag and it turns out to be counterfeit, you deserve to be ripped off. Even if it's not a fake you were still cheated. I promise you that the people who make and sell these products are laughing at you all the way to the bank."
"If you use a credit union for its lower rates and fairer terms due to community- rather than corporate-ownership like banks, congratulations - you're a socialist!"
"Often we hear about a corporation being fined millions or even billions of dollars for some terrible crime. Volkswagen was fined $2.8 Billion for willfully faking emissions tests. Hobby Lobby was fined $3 Million for illegally smuggling black market artifacts out of Iraq. Deutsche Bank was fined $258 Million for money laundering on behalf of Syria and Iran. And countless other examples of felonies that no persons are ever held accountable for. Why is it always just a fine? Why doesn't anyone ever go to jail for these egregious crimes? Now that corporations are considered 'people' as per the US Supreme Court, I expect guilty corporations to go to jail too. That probably includes the entire board of directors. Boom, you're out of business! They should all have their assets seized too. You know, like they to do when they catch some harmless kid smoking pot."
"Nicotine patches and prescription drugs to help stop smoking are a waste of money. Physical addiction to nicotine is not the problem because those cravings go away after only a day or two. The real issue is all those years of putting something in your mouth 20 or more times every day. That's a psychological habit that takes much longer to overcome. But it can be done without anguish. You just have to decide that you really do want to quit, and understand that it really will help you live longer and avoid a painful death. Also, some people believe they must give up coffee when they quit smoking, because drinking coffee increases the desire to smoke. In my own experience, drinking coffee was a good oral substitute for cigarettes and actually helped."
"Ignorance is a choice, not an excuse!" -- Pablo Reynoso on Facebook
"What's up with religions that don't allow drinking alcohol? Drinking is fun! Not stupid drunk, but enough to be enjoyable. Why are those religions opposed to having fun and feeling good? Even worse is when they also ban masturbation and music. How sad it must be to live like that."
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
"The Christian bible was written by men who didn't even know where the sun went at night. They thought it was fine to beat your slaves, as long as you don't beat them too badly. To consider the bible a source of either knowledge or morality is just silly."
"When I see ads for weight loss products showing Before and After photos of women, I almost always prefer the Before photo."
"When nothing was done to enact sensible gun regulation after the Sandy Hook school massacre, it became clear this problem will never be solved until people stop voting for conservatives."
"Being a victim does not automatically make one a hero."
"God is like an abusive boyfriend: He demands that you love him, then he beats you up by killing your wife with cancer and sending a tornado that destroys your entire town. Yet many people believe god's actions are intentional and loving, and cannot be questioned. So they gladly praise him but never blame him. How pathetic."
"I think often about Eisenhower's 'Beware the military industrial complex' and how nobody seems to care or even notice that so much of the US treasury goes to fund the military. Which in turns lines the pockets so many military contractors. Every day there's a news report about some homeless shelter begging for money, or a bridge collapsing, or a US town without drinkable water. All I can of think is how we could have everything needed for very citizen if only we didn't squander it on the "defense" industry. It's a national disgrace, and certainly modern day Republicans are the most vocal supporters of military expansion."
"People argue about the 'Oxford comma,' which is an optional comma before the word 'and' or 'or' at the end of a list. But there's nothing to argue about, and the Oxford comma is mandatory as proven in these examples that omit it:"
""When I see a wild animal I think how pretty it is, or how I wish I could take it home, or at least get close and pet it. I'll never understand how someone brought up in civilized society can see an animal and think, 'I want to kill that.' What sort of sick mind thinks like that, and wants to inflict pain and terror on another living creature?"
"If your remake of a popular song isn't better than the original, or at least a unique and interesting arrangement, please don't bother."
"It's disgraceful how some politicians pander to achieve their goals. If you tell conservative voters you're against abortion and immigrants, they'll cheer as you cut Medicare and Social Security, gut consumer protections, hire incompetents and thugs to run critical government agencies, and in Trump's case they'll even ignore the most vile personal traits."
"Why aren't George W. Bush and Dick Cheney in prison for starting a war under pretenses they knew were false, that has killed thousands of people? Every time I hear about some important program that goes unfunded, or another bridge collapse, or train safety equipment we can't afford, all I can think is 'We wasted all our money in Iraq.' Those bastards plundered a huge part of the American treasury. Why are they not in jail for life?
"Dear voters: Every time someone wealthy like Donald Trump cheats on their taxes, or a corporation gets another tax break, you have to make up the difference."
"New rule: Whenever a company issues a policy change that affects its customers - banks, online services, credit card companies, phone providers - the change must fit onto one sheet of paper using type no smaller than 10 points."
"When I was in junior high school I would have killed to have Mary Kay Laterno as a teacher."
"Aside from problems caused by brain chemistry, I believe that most mental problems derive from feelings of inferiority."
"What sort of god would create a world where its inhabitants have to eat each other to survive?" --Unknown
"A magazine product review shouldn't read like an advertisement."
"Never ever buy a timeshare."
"When someone says, 'let's agree to disagree' what they're really saying is they're unable to defend their own position, and unable to refute yours."
"This is for audiophiles: Dozens of endless arguments can be settled by simply learning that your hearing is not as accurate and reliable as you like to think."
"Learning by rote is never as good as learning the underlying principles. I remember trying to show a friend how to make bold text in Microsoft Word. I explained that first you highlight the text to be changed, then you can click B for Bold, or I for Italics, or Ctrl-C to copy, etc. She resisted learning the concept, and instead wrote down all the individual key strokes. I blame that mindset on her formative years in parochial school."
"If you have to pay an entrance fee to be in a competition, then it's really just a lottery, not a competition."
"I'll never understand how people can trivialize 'science' and claim their unfounded beliefs are just as valid. Science got us to the moon. Science cured leprosy and polio, though ignorance and religious beliefs are now bringing back such diseases. Science created telescopes and microscopes that can see things unimaginable in years past. Science created a powerful computer and put it in your tiny smartphone along with a high-resolution video camera and media player."
"The problem with Republicans is they believe the interests of corporations are more important than the needs of the people who elected them, and for whom they are supposed to work."
"Continuous growth is simply not sustainable. Whenever someone on Oprah or Ellen says they have eight children, the audience bursts into applause! We must turn this around and actively discourage people from making more than one replacement child each."
"Many people resent 'helmet laws' and 'seatbelt laws' that criminalize not wearing those protective devices. They reason that it should be their choice to risk injury or death. But the public also has an interest in reducing the burden on hospitals and organ donors. The solution is to let people do as they please, but know that if they're injured in a crash their insurance (or Medicare) will not cover any of their expenses. The same could apply to tobacco smokers. If you currently smoke, or quit less than maybe two or three years ago, if you get a smoking-related disease such as cancer or emphysema you will not be covered by your insurance."
"When you're on top, some people will try to take you down."
"Why is public nudity illegal? Nobody is harmed, and the US is supposedly a free country. If your objection to nudity is based on religion, consider that a naked body is god's creation and so can't be harmful."
"The US Federal Trade Commission protects consumers by preventing anticompetitive, deceptive, and unfair business practices. But they'll never go after health 'supplement' sellers and nonsense audio products because nobody ever complains. People who buy these products are truly suckers and actually believe the products work as claimed."
The following were submitted by Phil Parmenter, source unknown:
"Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else."
"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."
"It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help."
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
"If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it."
"Never mess-up an apology with an excuse."
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people."
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."
"A closed mouth gathers no foot."
"Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell and have them be happy to be on their way."
"Never miss a good chance to shut up."
"Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of."
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
"Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
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